Please forgive me.

Bancaan Naic, Cavite

February 7, 2014

Dear Mom, 

          First of all, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me even though I'm always a pain in the ass and I somehow make our life a living hell.

          We've been through tough times and faced a lot of problems. All because of my wild and crazy behavior. I know that I shouldn't have acted like that especially towards you because all you ever did was care for me. All the things that you have done to me even though what you did was good, I always misinterpret it making my behavior towards you seem to becoming more and more rude. I want to apologize for all of the bad things I have done to you. If I were to count all the bad things I have done to you, I would expect it to be many. I have disrespected you a lot of times by talking back to you whenever I don't follow your orders. If I remember it right, I did rebelled to you a lot of times and eve threatened you that I won't be staying in our house anymore.

          If I would be given the chance to back in time, I would fix everything and I would treat you like every mother in this world should be. You were my first teacher, you taught and helped me in each and every step of my life as I grow older and older. You never failed to support me in everything I do. I really apologize for everything I have done to you.

Your daughter,

Jedine

The Book I Write

"Special is a word that is used to describe something one-of-a-kind like a hug, or a sunset, or a person who spreads love with a smile or kind gesture.

Special describes people who act from the heart and keep in mind the hearts of others.

Special applies to something that is admired and precious and which can never be replaced.

Special is the word that best describes you ."– Teri Fernandez

 I believe that each and everyone of us is special in our own little ways. We just hardly notice it. But when we do, we always tend to think that what we possess, others also have making us think and feel that we're a useless piece of shit.

It is believed that a person's uniqueness is what makes each and everyone of us special. But just how do ou define unique?

Uniqueness in a person is seen to be something about them that makes them different from everyone else. This person has their own style and approach to life, perhaps in the way they dress and speak, their personality traits and the way they carry themselves. It is really someone who is confident in their own skin and their chosen path and someone who knows what they want. Having confidence in yourself certainly makes you seem very special in most people’s eyes.

“Special” is a quality either realized or in potential state that can be seen in a person.

I may not have that white skin which I'm pretty sure what every Filipina wants. But I'm proud of my tan skin, I believe it shows who I really am and it differentiates me from other people in other countries.

I am not that tall. Yes, before I really wanted to be tall just for the sake of being like other tall models or celebrities. But as time flies by, I've learned to love and appreciate my height. I may not be that tall but I'm proud to have this height. You don't really need to be tall just to be noticed by others. All you have to do is be yourself and let everything fall into place.

I am definitely not that smart. Yes teachers keep on saying that if we're not smart, how come we're already third years in one of the best schools  in the Philippines? I'm not saying that I'm not smart. What I'm trying to point out is that I don't need to be so smart like those kind of people who ace their tests and have no difficulty in answering almost all of the teachers question. But I not brainless. I know in myself that I also have what others have maybe theirs is only up a little notch than mine.

I am not that kind. Honestly, I even consider myself as a bully. I tend to playfully criticize my classmates but there are times that I think I'm overdoing end and just end up hurting their feelings. I'm the kind of person which tends to mess everything up instead of fixing it. I'm selfish and a terrible person.

Once we see the wholeness or the greatness in us, this is the time when we realize that we truly are special. It's not always about specialness in the context of realizing that you are special. Sometimes all we need is to trust ourselves and admit that we are great in our own special ways. Everyone wants to change, but change demands desire and discipline before it becomes delightful. There is always the agony of choice before the promise of change.

“If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it—through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world you are one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and spread joy. Expect to be accommodated. (11)” 

― Victoria Moran, Lit From Within: Tending Your Soul For Lifelong Beauty

Prayer for my Parents

Dear God,

    Thank you for giving me this opportunity to thank you for all the blessings you’ve given me. Thank you for never failing to guide and protect me. And lastly, I want to thank you for giving me the parents that loves me and takes good care of me. For I believe that without you, we cannot do anything. With God, nothing is impossible.

     God, let this be a letter of appreciation from me to them. I may not be that vocal when it comes to thanking my parents but at least let this simple letter be a way to tell my parents how thankful I am to them.

     From the aloof little girl that I am, never even leaving my mother’s side anywhere she goes, to the stage when I slowly became more sociable and talkative, to the 10-year-old me that is so industrious even I couldn’t believe that I was that industrious back then, when I was in bullied back in my freshmen year to the present me; they never fail to support me.

     At this point in my life, I’m considered as a teenager that is open-minded. Yes, maybe sometimes I don’t completely act like it, but that’s part of life, right? As I’m growing up, I realize just how much my parents did for me. And, for that, I need to truly thank them – something I don’t think I’ve appropriately done to date.

     I know I’m not supposed to be choosing between my mom and dad but I really just couldn’t help it because it’s my mom who never left my side unlike my dad who left us when I was still 3 months old. But I’ll try my best not to make it a specific thank you letter.

     First of all, I want to tell them that I love them.

     I thank them for all the many, many happy memories. There is a lot of things I am grateful to them for. I just wanted to tell them how much they’ve meant to me as they’ve guided and loved me through my life. From very early on they taught me the importance of family, trust and love. They’ve taught me to value myself and to value others. They have taught me again and again to never give up and to follow my dreams. When I was sick or scared she would stay with me and pray with me. She taught me to laugh and to use my imagination. They shared their stories and always let me make up my own mind. They made every birthday and holiday perfect and special, just by bringing the family together.

     For loving me exactly the way am and telling me you’re proud of me. They have helped me become who I am through all the love and faith they have provided and all the amazing lessons they have taught.

     I have never felt a day where I was not loved by them. I have never lost sleep over wondering if they cared about me. I have never had a fleeting thought that they wouldn’t support me in my decisions, because they always tend to help me make them. I value their opinions, I respect their place in my life, and I thank them for all of it.

     Their hearts ache when mine does. Their smiles cover their faces when mine covers mine. Joy fills their hearts when they see that mine is full. They cry when I cry. They celebrate when I celebrate. That is what makes them great, world-class parents.

     They made mistakes along the way and that’s okay. They’re still only human. But quite frankly, they’re some of the best humans I’ve had the opportunity and privilege to know.

No matter what, I just wanted to thank them, and let them know that I love them and I thank you, God, for the amazing parents you have given me. You gave me the best parents in the world, though the imperfections, I still believe that I have the most wonderful parents.

I’m not trying to say they’ve yet raised the perfect woman and I probably haven’t always been the best daughter, but I want to just say thank you.

Thank you for all the things they’ve done. I simply cannot find enough words to say it.

“Thank you.”

Jedine

No Regrets. Love Your Life ♥

My life is a series of ups and downs, but whose isn't? Having regrets is already part of life. Everyone has made poor choices or done something in their past that could possibly be labeled as "regrettable." But, think about it. The fact that we are now able to look back and realize that a mistake that has occurred means we have learned a valuable lesson. Some of my choices may have landed me in unpleasant circumstances that made me want to give up life, but experiencing these things certainly built my current character. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for those character-building situations. Mistakes are stepping stones to an evolving life.

Yes I myself have a lot of regrets. But as I'm searching for the reasons why I regret those things, I realized that I really shouldn't regret those decisions for they have molded me into this kind of person. Well here are some of the things I regretted:

BEING A LAZY BONES. I wasn't really a lazy bone back then. I started becoming one when I reached my junior year. My classmates influenced me a lot which is weird since I've never been influenced by my classmates this much. I learned to love being lazy because being lazy for me means you have nothing to worry about. Just sit back, relax ad enjoy the roller coaster of life.

BEING NOCTURNAL. Yes I consider myself as a night owl since I rarely sleep before midnight. It was a lot tiring at first but as time pass by, I got used to it and instead of it giving me a hard time, it actually helps me. Staying up all night helps me finish my work with ease. Why is that so? It's because I never get sleepy even if it's already past midnight allowing me to finish my works.

JOINING C.O.C.C.  I never actually even considered as one of my "regrettable" decisions but while I was making this blog entry, I just popped out of my mind so I decided to include it. I have to wake up a bit earlier than my usual waking time and I have to speed up everything. I am even becoming more and more industrious since I can't do my homework at the school because of the training.

I have so many regrettable moments that I am now starting to love instead of regretting it up until now. I am learning to accept everything about myself especially my flaws which I am learning to love more and more each day. I wouldn't be living this life if it weren't for those stupid things I've done. When you're happy and contented with your life, no amount of pain, suffering, fear and regret can ever beat this happiness.

I am now trying to live a life with no regrets. I have to choose the right path to my destiny carefully because once I've achieved this, I cannot really blame myself  for making the wrong choices. Because then, I can always say that I am following my passion that's why I've go nothing to be afraid of.

We don't have to live life full of regrets if we just learn to move on and accept these things. We should learn to cherish every moment of every opportunities. Because our outlook will determine the course of our life. We should all renew our life and enjoy living it in the present.

"Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh."

- Henry David Thoreau

Technology makes people dumb.

"Texting is apocalyptic on some level. It's a reduction of things." -Nick Cave 

“OMG”, “LOL”, and “IMHO” aren’t just Internet jokes, but ways that people today are legitimately communicating with one another. With the speed of emails and texting, users have become increasingly impatient with full sentences, leading to “G2G” instead of “I’ve got to go now.” The ease of this language is easy to see. In the middle of a busy day, or if you’re sneaking in a quick message at stoplights, it’s far more convenient to fire off a couple of letters rather than worry about scripting and punctuating an entire sentence. But what does this convenience mean for the state of our language skills?

Texting, in its nature, shuns grammar. To get out a message as fast as possible, people will lose punctuation,
sentence structure, and capitalization. Run-ons are as common as fragments. For those with phones that auto-correct, even spelling can be ignored because the phone does all the work. While this shortened language allows users to type more quickly via text messages, instant messages and social networks, students are increasingly having trouble switching back to traditional grammar when necessary.

Using text language while texting doesn’t necessarily mean a person doesn’t know any better; it’s a language of convenience. But those who are still learning, or who become unable to separate it from other activities, create the danger. Texting is simple, casual, and tends to be vernacular – something that can be spoken on the street. When this gets applied to emails, schoolwork, and business situations, a problem arises. The casual tone of texting can be misconstrued, and is generally considered not very professional.

I've been using my phone since I was in elementary. It didn't really affect that much of my English fluency because I don't really like to shorten words or make them in "Jejemon style." Another reason is that I think my hobby of reading a lot of books helps me maintain my English fluency. I think texting even helps me improve my English fluency because I will always be cautious of my grammar and my use of punctuation marks. There are times when I'm too lazy to type a reply, I tend to shorten words. But I don't think I'm stupid enough to let those words diminish my knowledge and fluency in English grammar.

A WEEK THAT FELT LIKE A DAY

I am really thankful for the semestral break because the weight of all of my worries about homeworks and projects and a lot of school stuffs had been taken off my shoulders. I didn't want this semestral break to be as boring and as unproductive as I was when there was a long suspension of classes due to heavy rains. So I made a metal list of my to do things, plans and schedules for each day of the semestral break because I want to make every second of it count.

During the first few days of the semestral break, I slept in the am and woke up in the pm. My daily routine during the first few days of the semestral break was sleep in the am then woke up in the pm. Eat my brunch, take a bath, read a book or play badminton, change my clothes, eat my snacks, read a book or watch a movie, drink milk for dinner, brush my teeth, change my clothes, read a book or watch movies until I get sleepy. That's pretty much what I did so yeah, so much so for being "productive". 

Until one day I decided to break my routine because I was getting so bored. I still slept in the am but I also woke up early. I made my breakfast which is just me heating the hamburger that my aunt bought me and drinking milk. I also decided to take a bath early which surprises me and all the people in the house because I usually take a bath in the afternoon. I made some of my projects so I'll do less when the semestral break is almost over. I still read books and play badminton whenever I'm done doing my draft for my projects like the draft for my first blog.

I'm not sure if you're not suppose to have fun during All Saints Day but I sure did have fun. I woke up early and I was surprised to find myself that I was wearing a dress. Like seriously, I only wear dresses if I'm included in a wedding or whatever. So yeah I went to the cementery and I was surprised to see a lot of my service mates in the cementery. I went to some of my relative's tomb and offer a short prayer and a candle. I didn't get to visit my other relative's tomb because it is located on the upper part of the cementery. After visiting, we went straight home and watched some movies. I was thankful that I get to finish my first log and was able to post it.

The next few days I was doing my usual routine. But it's a bit different because I also scrolled through tumblr stalking people I don't know. I also watched some youtube videos. I also logged on to my twitter account to see what's the worldwide trend. When we went to the mall, I excused myself and went to my safe haven in the mall, National Bookstore and Fully Booked. I went to Fully Booked first since it's farther and enjoyed the serenity of the place while holding a book. I only stayed there for at least 10 minutes just to see if the book I was looking for there and mostly the rest of the 10 minutes was spent reading the summaries of some of the books that caught my attention. I did the same when I went in National Bookstore but this time I bought a book entitled "The Selection" by Kiera Cass. I wish I had bought the classics like "A Tale Of Two Cities" by Charles Dickens, "Wuthering Heights" by Emily Brontë or "Pride & Prejudice" by Jane Austen.

I really enjoyed the semestral break except for the fact that it should be longer because it literally felt like it was just a day. Wouldn't it be great if the semestral break lasted for at least 2 weeks because of the projects that can really drain the living soul out of your body.

L'amour

What is love? Many generations have already passed and as most of the people might have noticed, writers and poets have tried to define love for centuries. They've described love in many ways. Some think of love as a gift and a blessing to us. While some think of love as a burden in their lives. Some people don't even bother talking about or wondering about things related to love because it's just too complicated to think about.

Love is a special and complicated emotion which is quite difficult to understand. Although most people believe that love revolves around the heart, it actually occurs in the brain. Artists, poets and painters all epitomize the heart as the love symbol, but it’s the brain that generates chemical signals to make people understand love. There are different forms and styles of expressing love.

Whenever my friends ask me "have you ever been in love?" I always say "Uhhhh, no idea." To be honest, I really have no idea if I have been in love. But if I what I have experienced and felt before was love or at least somehow near the "love state" then love is like they say, the sweetest form of torture. Just hearing the word "love" makes me want to throw up. Love is so complicated because it makes you do things you never even thought you'll do. Whenever I see one of my friends looking like a zombie, I will end up telling my other friends that maybe she has a problem. We will end up calling her attention to talk with us. And it will always turn out that she was heartbroken or her crush is not paying her any attention anymore or there were no communication between. them. Seeing them this depressed just because of "love" makes me think that I shouldn't just bother with anything related to me having a crush then end up being so grumpy and sad all the time. But the thing is, you can't really stop the heart from loving. It's like standing out in the ocean and yelling at the waves to stop. Then there's the thing called "infatuation". This time I'm sure that I've been infatuated with a lot of guys.  But oh well, it's never going to be more than that.

Even though I'm not quite sure if I've been in love, I've experienced different kinds on how people express and feel the love they share for one another through books. 

There's the unconditional love. The type that gives you butterflies on your stomach . That whenever you receive a simple texts from him like "hi" or "good morning", makes your heart flutter. Or when he says he misses you, there's that immediate rush of blood in your cheeks and then you'll feel all giddy up inside. This love is selfless; it gives and expects nothing in return.

There's the friendship love. The type that makes you want to be friends with someone who you can really trust and who you can be yourself without needing to look good all the time. This type of love has give and take. It is a dispassionate virtuous love.

There's the affectionate love. The type that is fondness through familiarity, especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance. I think it is the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves: natural in that it is present without coercion; emotive because it is the result of fondness due to familiarity; and most widely diffused because it pays the least attention to those characteristics deemed "valuable" or worthy of love and, as a result, is able to transcend most discriminating factors.

There's the romantic love. The type that  is a passionate and intense love that arouses romantic feelings; it is the kind that often triggers “high” feelings in a new relationship and makes you say, “I love him/her”. It is simply an emotional and sexual love. Although this romantic love is important in the beginning of a new relationship, it may not last unless it moves a notch higher because it focuses more on self instead of the other person. If the person “in love” does not feel good about their relationship anymore, they will stop loving their partner.

Love is the single most important emotion one can hold. Whether it's your love for God or your love for another it's the most powerful, overwhelming, incredible experience. Love is when he sees past your imperfections and learns to love them as time passes by. Love is when he takes you to walks by the beach to watch the sunset together while holding your hands in his in such a very protective and reassuring way. Love is seeing him laugh his brains out in the cutest way possible even if he thinks he has the most ridiculous laugh in the history of human laughs. Love is when he tells you that your beautiful in every way possible. It's when he's being playful and he'll suddenly cover your eyes with his calloused hands asking you who he is even though you could tell it's him by his hands, his breathing, his scent and his heartbeat that produces the most lovable rhythm. Love is when he finds you reading a book at midnight, crying to yourself and you look like a mess and he'll just hold you tight and ask you what happened in the story and without a doubt, he'll listen to you as you tell him the most tragic part of the book that you just read and he just nods in respond and listen even though he has no idea what you're talking about. Love is when he sends you cute messages like "I miss you :(" or "I love you <3" that just makes your heart flutter. Love is when he takes all the blame for what happened to you and says it's all his fault even though you know that it's not his fault and it's yours. Love is just really unexplainable and has different meanings to different people. But his existence defines it all.

I would love someone for his love and passion in everything he does. For his favorite books that

accompanies him whenever he can't sleep. For his light snoring in the morning and his laziness to get out of bed even though it's already noon. I'd love someone for his scent of coffee that you can smell whenever he cuddles you and whispers in your ears. The way he subconsciously frowns when he's too focused. Or the way he plays with your hair using that hands of his that is too calloused to be comforting but surprisingly cradles and caress you in most gentle way possible. I'd love someone for their imperfections that makes them completely perfect in every way possible. Wondering how such an imperfect person looks so flawless. I don't really look for anything in particular in anyone. I know there's supposed to be that long list of the things of your "perfect guy." But really, who cares as long as they look past your imperfections and love you just the way you are. Not asking for anything more of you. A man who is patient and respects my decisions. Who is understanding and don't rush into any conclusions whenever he sees me with another guy.

The moment when you realize that you are capable of loving someone else more than yourself is quite possibly the most important moment in your life. Loving someone and having them love you back is the most precious thing in the world. Some people are meant to fall in love with each other but not meant to be together. Love has a lot of things to offer. You need to make the right decision to make it last forever. You don't need to understand what love is. All you need to do is just feel it and let things flow. No matter how impossible, unattainable, or unimaginable it may seem. If it's meant to be, it'll be.